Both partnered sex and masturbation tend to lead to orgasms, so does that make them interchangeable?
If someone in a relationship masturbates, does that mean that they are dissatisfied with their partner?
If someone has the belief that partnered sex and masturbation are indeed equivalent, then it makes sense that engaging in solo activities would be seen as some sort of a (negative) comment on a couple's shared sex life. After all, why would you do this by yourself if you could do it with your partner?
This line of thought presumes that your partner is actually available
and interested at the times that you are. They may not be. And while it
can feel comforting to know that all of your partner’s sexual energy is
directed towards you, this can be a double-edged sword if you then feel
obligated to satisfy those desires every time or if your partner
resentfully feels denied when you’re not in the mood. This dynamic can
be especially problematic when the partners have significantly different
sex drives which then almost guarantees that the partner with lower
desire will feel hounded and the one with higher desire will feel
rejected.
But let’s take a look at whether sex and masturbation really are the
same. While both can lead to sexual pleasure and release, does the end
result necessarily define them? If so, is grabbing a slice of pizza on
the run the same thing as sharing a romantic meal with your partner?
After all, in both cases you satisfy your hunger, but good luck trying
to convince your partner that the one can substitute for the other. If
this interchangeability doesn’t apply to hunger, then why do some people
think that it applies to sexual desire?
Masturbation presents an interesting contradiction—an extremely large
percentage of people in committed relationships masturbate at least
sometimes, yet too many couples don’t actually talk about it with each
other. If you don’t know about your partner’s masturbation habits, let
alone what they enjoy about it, then it’s easy to assume that sex and
masturbation are the same for them. But is that assumption valid? If you
are happy in your relationship and sex life, then perhaps it doesn’t
matter that much what your partner does on their own time, but if your
partner’s known or suspected masturbation makes you feel uncomfortable
or if you feel the need to hide your own, then perhaps you would both be
better off talking about it and replacing those assumptions with
accurate information. For example, if finding evidence of your partner’s
masturbation makes you doubt your attractiveness
or sexual skills, then you probably would be better off finding out if
that is actually why your partner masturbates occasionally. Maybe they
just enjoy taking a little time to enjoy themselves without feeling any
responsibility for anyone else. Maybe they’re just bored, or tired, or stressed out. Maybe they’re just horny and impatient about it. You can’t know for sure unless you ask.
It may be worth spending some time thinking about how masturbation
fits into your overall sex life and relationship, then talking with your
partner about it. Some questions to consider:
- What have you been taught about masturbation—by family, friends, and society?
- How does being single versus in a relationship change how you feel about masturbation?
- How do you each feel about masturbation—your own and each other’s?
- Do you and your partner know about each of your solo activities—how often, where, when, why, and what you do? If not, why not?
- How do you feel about these solo activities? Would you like to know more?
- How is masturbation similar or different from partnered activities for each of you?
- How does masturbation increase or decrease your interest in partnered activities?
- What can you and your partner do in relation to masturbation to improve both of your overall sexual satisfactions?
This article is neither against nor in favour of masturbation or sex!
